


Get me up before it's too late

by Solrey



Series: You are worth it, you are deserving [1]
Category: ONEUS (Band)
Genre: Crying, Dongju needs acceptance, Dongju needs reassurance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fear, Fear of Discovery, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Platonic Romance, Sad with a Happy Ending, Seeking understanding, Self-Acceptance, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, kind off, lying, seeking comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-27 07:09:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21388138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Solrey/pseuds/Solrey
Summary: Sometimes it is hard to accept yourself, Dongju knows the struggle better than anyone else.
Relationships: Son Dongju | Xion & Yeo Hwanwoong
Series: You are worth it, you are deserving [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1541890
Comments: 4
Kudos: 58





	Get me up before it's too late

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~
> 
> Before you start reading this, please hear me out. Do to recent events, to my own thoughts over the past years and things I read online, I came up with something I want to do. I'm starting a series of Oneus One-shots which fall under the title "You are worth it, you are deserving". Why? I come to terms with a lot of things through writing and I noticed how many lost souls are out there experiencing similar struggles, so I wanted to make a series over some of these struggles. I try my best to describe them as good as I can. I want to give people reassurance with my stories that they are indeed not alone with their struggles, that there is always someone who is willing to listen and help. This may sound sappy or idiotic but I feel like I need this right now and maybe you do too, or maybe you don't. We are all deserving of love, we are all worth more than we often give ourselves. 
> 
> I'm probably using Dongju as the protagonist in my stories a lot since he is the closest in age to me and I feel like he is personality wise also very close to me. I do not want to put Dongju in any light he might not be in the real life, this is purely fiction, please remember this. I do not want to assume his gender identity or his sexuality, what he might like or dislike.

_Weird._

The first time he thought of it, the first time this thought shot through his brain, all he could feel was a certain weirdness, one he couldn’t shake off, lift of his shoulders. It was like a spiral he couldn’t escape, his mind stuck on the topic, his thoughts constantly getting worse and worse. No way out.

_Who am I?_

A silent question. He asked every single day in hope of an answer – when he looked into the mirror, what did he see? When he put on his clothes, what did he feel? When he went to school with his twin – had his twin known about his thoughts? Hopefully, Dongmyeong wouldn’t catch on. He wondered more than once where his life was heading, seeking for a solution, seeking for something he could hold onto. Someone who could guide him, give him the path he was seeking.

_Something is wrong with me._

Dongju knew he was different, ‘weird’ how he described himself more than once but never out loud, knowing Dongmyeong would lecture him if he did. No, he kept his thoughts to himself, locked them up, locked them away, throwing away the only key. It had been a hard decision for him, knowing he might never become the one he truly wanted to be – he wasn’t even sure what and who he wanted to be yet but he banned himself from even trying to explore it. He couldn’t and he shouldn’t, knowing very well that he answer would scare him.

_Am I enough?_

But it got harder. With time he grew older, experienced more and more, coming to understanding things he had never wanted to understand. His twin formed a band, Dongju was happy for him and even thought their twin-bond is strong, something inside of him broke, feeling like he had lost his twin while he wasn’t able to have a dream on his own, something he wanted to accomplish. The time moved on but he felt lost, alone in a darkness no one was able to understand, able to feel beside him. There was no clear path for him to walk on, fog surrounding him at any given moment, making him aimlessly walking around, not knowing where his feet where taking him.

_Is that me?_

Dongju liked the idea of acting, of purposely putting on a mask to hide who he was while becoming someone entirely different, finally able to express himself. Or so he thought, nothing could ever be easy. His self-doubt only got worse over the months, slowly but surely fading into the nothingness all his different characters had created, not knowing anymore who he really was. Had he ever known? No. Still, he didn’t want to give up, couldn’t give up when he saw how his twin was literally going through hell just to archive his dream, facing hardships Dongju could never imagine of having. He couldn’t give Dongmyeong more reasons to worry, knowing very well that he couldn’t hide everything from his other half – that was just not possible. But he felt like he was dragging his brother down with him, down into a world the other didn’t belong in, should never become a part of. Dongju knew he wanted to be someone he could never be, showing himself differently but facing the struggle to be brave enough to do it. His mask wouldn’t safe him forever, it would crack eventually and let people watch behind it. He feared that day. His ‘weirdness’ was slowly catching up to him. Still, he continued with his way of ignoring it, knowing very well he would never feel good in his own skin while he had to endure it. 

_Can I really be, what they want me to be?_

Dongju is going to become an idol. The maknae of an idol group under RWB, a brother group of his twin’s band. Somehow he was excited, knowing he had a path he could follow, had people at his side to guide him but on the other hand he felt like someone had cut off his air, making it hard for him to breath. He loved his group, he loved his brother’s band, he liked RWB but his internal struggle only seemed to become worse while no one knew. Since he had become part of ONEUS he had to live with his hyungs, his members and he loved it. The mask remained. It became a part of his daily life to live up to standards he knew he could never accomplish. The affection he got from his hyungs had been overwhelming him more than once, he genuinely smiled and laughed with them but he knew he couldn’t keep his little game of charade up forever. Dongju masked it well, hiding behind his love for stuffed animals and his sweet way of being the maknae so one had noticed it yet but he had the feeling that his hyungs where slowly but surely catching up with it. Seeing that he had been hiding his weird thoughts for a long time. Dongju feared the day one would come to him and ask him, feared how they would react when Dongju finally came to accept a part of himself he had kept hidden for a long time. A part he was too afraid to commit to, a part he never explored and never wanted. But the day eventually came.

_You are beautiful. _

Simply words, complicated feelings. Dongju couldn’t hold his tears in when Hwanwoong had joined their shared bedroom at a time, where he had been most vulnerable. He hadn’t taken of his make-up yet, admiring himself in the mirror, fascinated on how much he liked himself with it when Hwanwoong had come into the room, sitting down next to him and muttering the words. It was silent, Dongju couldn’t look away from Hwanwoong who was watching him through the mirror with such fond eyes, he felt his heart speeding up.

“Xionie, I hope you know that you can be whoever you want to be with us, we won’t judge you. We love you.” Hwanwoong’s hand was on Dongju’s waist, protectively holding him and he felt how he couldn’t stop the tears from falling. “Look at yourself, you are beautiful inside out.” 

They sat in silence next to each other while Dongju put down the mirror, trying to whip his tears away, leaning closer to his hyung. It was weird being confronted like this, weird that he had feared the day so long but now he was almost calm, way more collected than he had thought, Hwanwoong’s presence alone making him feel better. Knowing that Hwanwoong would never laugh about his distress, laugh at him struggling to accept himself or laugh at how he actually felt. Dongju liked his hyungs, wanted to keep up the good imagine and opinions of him, that he had purposely lied to them – hiding things he wasn’t proud of, couldn’t be proud of. At some point his thick tears roll down his cheeks even more and he feels how Hwanwoong brushes his tears away, rocking him back and forth to comfort him, trying to ease the hiccups leaving Dongju’s mouth. 

“I love make-up.” Dongju whispers, his voice cracking a little. “I love lipstick; I love cute things.” Hwanwoong hums and he feels how the older nuzzles his hair. “I love- love feminine clothes, things which are no-normally for girl. But I-I’m not gay hyung, I still like girls. Am I weird?” 

“You are not weird Dongju-ah, you are who you are.” Hwanwoong mumbles against his hair and Dongju feels his tears getting stronger at the warm, reassuring words. “Just because you like cute things, which are usually classified for woman, does this fact not make you gay or bisexual or any other orientation you might have. It doesn’t make you female either, Dongju, this does not define who you are – only you decide what makes ‘you’ in the end. If anyone says you have to be manly, then that’s toxic masculinity and nothing else. What even is manly? We love you the way you are, we don’t care what you wear, what make-up you want to have, how you act – as long as you are happy, we are too.”

“Hyung…”

“We want you to feel safe around us and even if it takes time for you to accept yourself, we are here to help you on your way. With us, you can be who you want to be. You are beautiful they way you are. I love you.”  
Dongju knew when he leaned against his hyung even more, crying into his shoulder, that he had finally come to the part of his life where he could learn to accept himself, knowing he wasn’t alone anymore, knowing he had someone at his side to support him. His thoughts would still get dark about it from time to time, his mask might never fully fade away but it was a first step, something he would have never been able to do alone. He wanted to accept himself and be accepted by the people around him, them loving him for he truly wanted to be. It would be a long way for him, finally understanding who he wanted to be but it wasn’t his struggle alone now, there was someone who would catch him if he falls.

**Author's Note:**

> My twitter is @mymoonravn everyone is welcome to say hi and talk with me, I'm usually not the one who takes the first steps but I love to write with people. If you ever feel the need to have someone listen to you, I'm here for you. :)
> 
> My cc https://curiouscat.me/mymoonravn if you want anonymously talk with me


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